MIT is developing a smartphone-enabled key that lets you use your car without a key fob. We’re not worried.

Have you heard the news? A team of techies from MIT have developed a car key that attaches to your key fob and can easily unlock your car. I’ve been living under a rock while the media has been inundated with stories about how this nifty little thing known as the Car Key (how’s that for a ridiculous name?) is going to change everything. Over the past week, the story has covered the red carpets, the speeches, the debates, the requests for a little fast pass to one’s beloved car when you need to work late, and the discussion over why I’d give up all the other things I’m happy to do in order to use my car. Thankfully, I’m here to inform you all that this is yet another thing that’s going to be the norm in the year 2045.

Yes, it does sound great. It’s just that, well, it’s not.

The Car Key can do one of three things: opening your car’s doors, unlocking your car, and starting your car. The one function that matters the most is letting you use your car. I had this conversation with a friend who said, “Get an emergency key?” which is a pathetic excuse for a life answer. He’s not looking at his car, and unless he’s leaving the house and there’s a domestic violence situation developing with a spouse who’s threatening his life and possibly even life of his children, he has absolutely no reason to worry about an emergency key. You want to stop someone from stalking you? Protect yourself from danger with a smoke alarm or a gun. You want to make sure that your children are safe at home? Search for a safe house. You want to make sure that you have enough gas to get to work? Go buy some. Do you want to make sure that you can pick up your children from their school? Don’t fear the safety of your children by providing them with a key for their car. Rather, provide them with a school bus. Just like the last time you used the school bus.

No, you did not hear about a new school bus. That’s something else you’ll have in 2045. This is nothing more than a new term for me to offer up to the media to excuse the fact that they’re giving the world’s most powerful megalomaniac an inappropriate amount of attention to his ridiculous new product. Not that I’m blaming the media entirely—it was a team of brilliant MIT scientists who told us about this amazing invention. But that just seems to offer me an excuse to be a jerk who’s not worrying about people’s safety, or how my car is being used, or how much gas is left in the tank. I need to be doing all three.

Does anyone else find it hilarious that the Car Key is immediately associated with tragedy? There’s even an umbrella company of sorts that sells umbrellas and the same products the Car Key will soon be able to unlock your car with. Could you imagine if after the invention was announced, how people would react to using the umbrella to unlock the car? It would be an absolute outrage. We would all be outraged. Ever since the invention of the key in 1872, the wristwatch has been an invention that’s been passed down from person to person. It became the status symbol to have one. To own one. If you don’t, you are missing out on something big.

Yes, the Car Key might one day be a thing. But it won’t happen until we’re willing to adopt some of the other over the top inventions of the future.

So here’s to the future. Because your car won’t be happy when you leave.

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